Welcome back! It feels like I’ve taken quite a long break from this but here we are, back to the juicy stuff- relationships. Today we’re going to think together about how relationships develop and why they are so essential to development. The other day I was consulting with some colleagues and someone described our shared client as “a relational kid.” It’s far from the first time I’ve heard that and each time I do, I think to myself, is there a child out there who isn’t relational? What does it mean to specifically describe one child as relational but not another?

What is a Relationship?

Relationships are made up of the tangible and intangible stuff between people. They include the communication, shared activities, emotional rupture and repair. I also include the internal experience we have as a result of a connection to another as part of the relationship. Relationships with others shape how we think about ourselves, sometimes in small discrete ways, sometimes in broad or existential ways.

One of my close mentors, Dr. Kristie Brandt, reminds us often that the first task of life, once a baby is born, is to fall in love and get a caregiver to fall in love in return. Through this initial falling in love process, we secure safety and the promise of life. Once a caregiver is in love, they are much more likely to provide the regular protection from harm, food, warmth, and developmental support the baby needs to thrive. Our first relationships, as infants, are critical in all aspects of development. There is a lengthy but fairly direct connection between healthy relationships in infancy and success in adolescence and adulthood.

From Relationships to Meaningful Participation

Early relationships are truly co-created and are made up of a process called “serve and return.” One partner makes a bid for connection and the other partner responds or returns the serve. Even babies as young as one hour (yes, one hour) can return these serves! Maybe you have been with a newborn and stuck your tongue out, only to see them thrust their little tongue out in response. They give a relational response in answer to our relational reach, thus beginning the cycle of reciprocal communication. Human brains are hardwired to seek communicative and relational reciprocity from others and we begin looking for it immediately (Center on the Developing Child).

One of the first and major benefits of healthy early relationships is the development of co-regulation and subsequently the development of self-regulation. Let’s remember, “regulation” in this context means the ability to perceive your own arousal state and effortfully change it to match the context you’re in. Co-regulation is when this process happens in concert with someone else. In infancy, that might look like a caregiver recognizing dysregulation (e.g. increased arousal brought on by the discomfort of hunger), providing safe proximity, soothing vocalizations, and food to support the baby in re-regulating. When children are co-regulated over and over and over throughout their infancy and childhood, they develop the skills and brain architecture for self-regulation. This is your reminder that babies can’t be spoiled, the more co-regulation opportunities the better!

At the same time, when an infant is consistently exposed to nurturing, co-regulating, safe, supportive and engaged caregivers, the templates for relationships in their mind are set to that experience. Through healthy caregiving, infants and toddlers learn that relationships with others are a source of safety, nurturing and support. They then take these templates with them into the world- preschool, other family members and family friends, etc.

Young children who have these relational templates can meet a new person and subconsciously be aware- “there’s an opportunity here. We can create something together. I can get help if I need it and I can help you if you need it.” With this template, children can enter any learning environment ready to participate. Early learning, whether it’s at home, at school, in the community, requires exploration and trial and error.

Through relationships, children gain full access to all of the learning opportunities presented to them. When children feel that they can form connections and get help from others, they have an easier time making use of what is offered at school, in community groups, and with friends and family. The Circle of Security Model is one of the great models at clearly outlining how having a secure relational base promotes and allows children to go out an explore safely. There’s a link to their site below.

In case a graphic is helpful!
TM The Children’s OT Project, 2025

How this looks in Real Life

Let’s think about two children with different relational templates. Juan has an inner template that relationships are helpful and nurturing, Amber has a template that relationships are threatening and unpredictable. We’ll go through this process with these two children to illustrate how early relationships impact development. These children aren’t real children but are based on the many children I’ve had the pleasure to know through my work in community mental health and preschools.

Early Life

Juan was born into a family that eagerly awaited his arrival and was prepared with family support, many of the practical resources needed for baby, maternity and paternity leave from work and some information about what babies need that they got from their friends and family, social media, their pediatrician, and books they bought and read in anticipation of Juan’s arrival. When Juan was a newborn, he cried and got upset the way most do, and his two primary caregivers were able to quickly respond to him- they each took shifts caring for him so the other could sleep. Whenever Juan became fussy, they developed a routine to check if he needed a diaper change, how long it had been since his last feeding, or if anything was irritating or hurting his body. If none of those things were needed, they had learned to assume Juan was just looking to hang out and so they would spend quality time, looking at him, talking to him, and moving around with him as they went about their days.

Amber’s family was in a very different situation when she was born. Her parents were isolated from family and did not have access to maternity or paternity leave so they were expected to be at work soon after Amber’s birth. Although there was a short break, the family could not financially sustain much time off so Amber had several caregivers and her parents pierced care together in the best way they could. Both parents worked hourly jobs with shifting schedules and when they were with her were typically exhausted and dysregulated due to the multiple stressors they were facing. When they were able, they spent quality time with her, but often the best that was available was for amber to have the TV on while parents slept or relaxed on their own. Amber’s care routines were centered around the parent’s schedules and not around her needs- she may have a dirty diaper for a few hours before parents initiated changing or she may be hungry for a long while before parents could feed her. Though they were doing their best, they lacked the educational, relational, and financial resources to provide attuned care.

Co-Regulation

Through the thousands of moments of Juan being soothed by his parents over the course of his first couple of years of life, he began to develop some skills to regulate himself when needed. His parents learned early on that Juan had a specific rhythm and direction he liked to be rocked in to fall asleep or to settle when upset. They also noticed that certain books were interesting to him and they read them repeatedly as they seemed to provide him a sense of comfort. They used similar language each time they soothed him and Juan became familiar with statements like “it’s ok, you’re ok, I’m here with you” or “I know, you’re so hungry, your bottle is heating up, we just have to wait one more minute!” When Juan was almost 3 they overheard him with one of his stuffies saying “it’s ok, you can cry. You’re ok, I’m here,” as he rocked his little dinosaur.

Amber had many moments throughout her early life in which her parents were there to co-regulate her. Unfortunately, there were just as many moments where they were not available or, that if she cried out, they would become frustrated leading to yelling at her to quiet. She learned quickly that staying quiet was safer for her and that sometimes adults would be available to help but she didn’t really know when. If she needed something, it was best to wait until it was provided, rather than cry out and ask. As a result, she became quiet but also chronically dysregulated.

Preschool

Upon starting school, nerve-wracking for any child, Juan was ready with a relational template that told him: adults are generally kind and helpful, if I’m hurt, scared or confused, they will notice and help me figure out what to do next. As his parents dropped left after dropoff he became tearful, turning to the teacher anticipating some comfort. His brand new teacher lifted him up and suggested, let’s go to the window and wave goodbye before we put your things away. Before long, Juan was calm with the teacher by his side and ready to begin his day, even though he was missing his parents and a bit nervous about this new environment.

Amber arrived in the same classroom with her relational template that told her that adults are sometimes helpful but sometimes harmful. They are impossible to predict and if I have needs, it’s better for me to ignore them or stay away from adults because my needs might make them angry. She too was nervous and scared to say goodbye to her parents on her first day but had already practiced taking care of herself. The well-meaning and experienced teacher approached her, prepared to provide some support but Amber ran and hid, refusing to come out. When the teacher persisted, Amber even swatted at her to send her away, protecting herself from whatever the teacher might try to do- afterall, she could not predict this new person was there to offer gentle support.

Hopefully the links between early relationship and participation later in childhood are clear. In our example, Amber’s first experience of preschool was that she was isolated and scared while Juan spent his first morning looking at each of the activity areas in the classroom and meeting other students. It’s easy to see what comes next- easy to guess which child is more likely to build a strong relationship with their teacher, make the most of the time they have in each learning area in the classroom and become prepared for dealing with the peer conflict and difficult situations that inevitably arise in preschool. Luckily, children like these have us to support them! The way Amber spends the beginning of her school career will not be the way she finishes it if she’s got providers in her family’s corner.

Thanks as always for being here and check out some amazing resources below!

References & Resources

Disclaimer

The information provided on this blog is for informational purposes only. It is not intended to assess, diagnose, treat, or prevent any medical or mental health conditions. The content shared on this site should not be considered a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental health professional, or other qualified healthcare provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical or psychological condition. Never disregard professional advice or delay seeking it because of something you have read on this blog.

The Development of Relationships & Why they Matter so Much